Me,

The days are easy, but when they turn to nights, it all changes. I feel like I cannot be alone. To be alone even just in my room is scary. What if the rest of my life is just this. At night everything is bad. I end up not really sleepy. My stomach begins to hurt even more than before.
I am scared. Scared of the future. Of college. Where am I going to go? What shall I become? But this is all just talk. Because I know what I want. I want to get into Sonoma State and become a teacher in just 4 years.
It should be that simple. Yet I have to get in first. I have to take classes since I don’t test well. I have to get through the rest of senior year. I have to figure out who are my friends and who aren’t. Because I know that there are some people I can just cross off my list. And others that I thought were my friends, but just aren’t or can’t be in some way.
I try not to think of the future at the moment, I try to make the best of it. But sometimes I think: How Can I when all that I seem to do is crap. Sure academically I am just fine. But other than that, I just don’t know.
Yet these are just internal feelings. I remain confident on the outside. Trying not to show what I really feel. Trying to change how I feel. Trying to persuade myself that I am special. That I can do it. Do anything I dream of.
I just wish the dreams can come to me easier. Simpler. That I can maybe take a shortcut to my destination. To my dreams. Whether that means fast forwarding. Or just being here, with something more. Is there something more?

A step back

The other night there was a Lunar eclipse. A eclipse that has happened on the exact date some 370 years ago. That was three days ago. (December 20, 2010).

I was in Scottsdale, Arizona, for a little vacation away from California. I went on a little hike, where i got to ponder life. It is so amazing how wildlife forms around us. It looks as if someone has planted away the desert, but it is all natural. It is a privilege for us to be able to walk around nature, and just be there. I think more people need to get back to nature. The origins of life.

We can then think about what is around us, and what is happening. We can retrace the steps of others before us. We can feel the prints of animals who took their first steps to their dying breaths. We should appreciate we can take a step back from the stress and just breathe.

Everyone should take a day to turn off their cell phones: their blackberry, their droid, their iphone, whatever phone you might have. Just turn it off and try to go through a day at least without one. You can do it. You did it when you were a child (hopefully). Then we can take a step back from the oh, so popular facebook. Your "friends" on facebook don't need to know everything about what you do. You don't need it. The time you are spending on facebook, can be spent somewhere else.

I think we all need to take a step back. From technology. To just listen and breathe. To think of everything that is happening. We need to appreciate little moments. A hike. A lunar eclipse. We should take joy in the little things.

What i have realized...

For the past almost week, i have been taking a break from most things of my common life. I deactivated my facebook, then reactivated a few days ago, when i realized i no longer existed when its deactivated. My plan is not to go on facebook anymore. Sure its there when i need it, but i dont really need it. Its nice to get away from the drama.

Second, i have been spending more time with family. I have realized my family is more important to me. I have realized that some friends are never meant to be friends. Its a fact of life that hurts me, but we all live through it and get over it. Time will come and give you and me new friends.

Third, it is the time of giving. It deeply hurts me that when i try to give, just because it is the giving season, i am turned down. I am told that they dont want a gift from me. This saddens me, but i realize you can not always be nice to everyone or you can be bitten in the ass.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas, and a Happy new Year

"So it goes"

I sit here in the library thinking. I just finished an essay on Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five: A Novel-, and next i have to write an essay about Trends in American Environmental History up to the Civil War. Then i think about simple history facts that i dont know. When was the Civil War? What happened? Who fought in it? I feel such like a blonde when i dont know simple facts about different wars. I only know one war which was the Korean war from 1950 to 1953.
Yet i sit here with all this work in front of me. Its all due Friday. I feel like not studying for tests. I already know i am going to college. I already got accepted into one. and i know i am going to get accepted in more. I dont feel like being goody goody and getting all good grades. Sure i get mainly As and Bs. I never get Cs. THis is better than most people. I was in class the other day, and i was like hey can i go to the bathroom. I didnt come back for twenty minutes, and my teacher didnt care. Well i guess that is how it goes.
"So it goes" as Billy Pilgrim says from Slaughterhouse five. What ever happens, happens i guess. But not really. its more about your actions. Your actions can affect anything happening around you. We all have free will to do what you want. It just matters whether you take it in your hands or not.


Top Stories

Butterflies

Expression. Emotions flow. Kids in the background. Where are their parents? music in the air. How old was Bach when he died? How can they just make rules? Who are they? Why do they assume we must follow them? Do you see what I see? Or are we different. Different perspectives of the world. Isnt that what teachers tell us. We all have different perspectives. Oh white-out. Who ever invented white-out is pure amazingness for saving so much work. So easy. Its past ten o clock. I want my birthday to be here. then i will be 18. Then i will be legal. What is so amazing to be legal? hmm thats weird. Typing. I love silver. They are the color of my fingernails. BUTTERFLIES. Penguins. Boots. Monkeys. Leather. Motorcycle riders. I like watching soccer. more things happen.

Wow if you read all that you are amazing =) I will let you go do something else now!

Ping site

Thanksgiving Thanks

I haven't blogged recently. It has been a while and lots seem to have changed and then again nothing seemed to change. I am sorry if this blog is cliche. But its that time i suppose.

It was thanksgiving break. I had dinner with my family, but i never truly thought of thanksgiving. Sure, I talked to my cousins about it. And my cousin, Matthew who is in seventh grade was confused for a second about Thanksgiving. He thought it was a Christian thing. Thats what Christians do, is have thanksgiving. His thoughts were shattered when his brother, Russell, reminded him of the pilgrims coming in. And that is why we have thanksgiving. Yet how did that turn into the holiday Thanksgiving I never told anyone what i was thankful for.

Here it is:
Thank you for my family who have supported me and have been with me through everything. Thank you to my parents who have listened through my good moments and my bad moments. They were there for me in harder times. The times where the person i loved (or thought i loved) left me. They were there for me in dark moments. They reminded me of who i really am. How i changed, and how i got back. I am thankful for them specifically in my life. I love them, even though i might not admit it.

I am also thankful for the friendcore i seem to have, whether it is on facebook or in real life. Thank you! you know who you are. They/ You have been their for me. Through ups and downs I felt that i could count on at least one person to be there to rant to or just talk to. Thank you :)

Thanksgiving for me wasn't the most exciting time, because i had thanksgiving a week earlier. We went skiing. I skiied for the first time. I fell twice. and i know that i wont be a pro-skier. But i have other plans for my life.
I did get to spend some good time with my cousins. I got to be a child once again. I love it. I love our laughs and smiles. That is how i want my life to continue with laughter and smiles. Surrounded by ones that love me.

Cruising into the ocean Update: Carnival Splendor

You risk your life everyday going out of your own house. That car could run you over. The airplane could crash on your house. And yes that boat you are entering could lose power in the ocean.
There are many different reports and views on what happened those days on Carnival Splendor. There are news reports that state stories of the "ill-fated" cruise ship. The days that were "hell." People were offered another cruise and many people denied that opportunity. I don't want to doubt anyone and what they went through. But you signed up for the cruise, You took the risk of going into the ocean and something happening.
Anyways. I am supposed to be cruising on November 21 on the Same ship. People ask me why would i go on that cruise after this disaster happened. It wasn't a disaster. It was something that just happened. Things Happen. And yes i want to go on this cruise and get out of california.
My good thoughts are with the crew members and everyone on the ship. and now
Update: November 15
THERE ARE LIGHTS ON THE CARNIVAL SPLENDOR. positive signs. Carnival hasnt sent any other cancellations. It is all good to go so far for the November 21 Carnival Splendor cruise. Always positive. More updates tomorrow
UPDATE: November 16
The Cruises until January 16, have been Cancelled. Meaning the November 21 and all the other Carnival Splendor cruises have been cancelled as the ship is going into repair.

That is a little sad, no Thanksgiving cruise

That's it

It is raining outside... the little pitter patter on the window is my friend.
The music beats are inside me... keeping me company
These purple nails i have .... keep me true to who i really am
I just sit here, typing.
Warmth surrounds my feet, making me feel alive
I cannot Perceive it,
I cannot Perceive you
This is all I can do
sit here
and wait
for something to happen
for someone to come
just for me

They Try

I look around me
People Are Happy
But do they really know what is going on here?
Do you know what really is going on here
There is a girl she is with her boyfriend. She smiles. While he just looks away. Looks to me. The girl is thinking about another guy she likes. Where as her boyfriend just goes along, because what can he do? He doesnt have the balls to break up her over a fling.
There is this child and her mother. They seem perfectly happy. Until you stop and just watch. Just listen to their conversations. The mother is depressed that her husband left her. And this little girl is just too young to understand what is going on. Yet the mother needs to put on a smile. To show others that she is fine.
Alll around us is Lies
Big Lies, Small Lies
they help us smile and try not care
But something bigger is always around

Someone

Is any one there to hear me?
to read my little scribbles on the paper?
should i just leave?
let the rain drops wet my hair
so i can become cold
feel what it means to be alive
To feel nothing,
Or
To be someone
Should i get out there?
So then i can do something useful
other than be here, just for myself
I want to help
Help others,
I want to get out of here
I want to change Someone's life
But I can't become that now
I am stuck in Limbo
Waiting for an exit
To Live, and Breathe
To Help
Someone....


Someone.

Time wraps around us like bubble wrap

This year, Halloween, seemed like not a big deal to me at all. I didn't dress up at school. I didn't even know what i wanted to be. All around me during the day i saw cute little kids in the cutest outfits. They looked so adorable. It reminded me when i was younger, i would dress up and go trick-or-treating with my brother or my dad. Then i would come home and have all this candy and I would separate it out by brand. I miss that. I miss those times.

It seems to me that time is going by way too fast. I am in my senior year of high school. How did this happen? I remember being young all those years ago... wait I am still young. Yet its so weird how we age, and time just wraps around us like bubble wrap. My own dad is 60 years old. To me he seems like he is the same dad that i had when i was younger, but we are all getting older.

This year... Senior Year will be my last year of high school, then i will be moving on to college, where i will get a degree for what i want to become for the rest of my life. There is a lot on me. But this is the last year i am with my friends, we will (most likely) all be going to different school. I have known these people for 4 years, and i guess it is onto a new bunch of people for 4 more years. But everyday i can say this is my last blank of high school. because really i wont experience any of this again. This is all over in a blink of an eye. Each moment is gone so quickly.

I look at my cousins, one is a freshman in high school and the other is in 7th grade. I still see them as my little cousins. But the one who is a freshman asked a girl to homecoming. I think it is incredibly cute. But also it is hard to believe that he is getting to be a actual teenager. It is a small realization that is hard to take. I think that everyone around me will always be the same age, but no we are all aging daily from experiences we take, to moments where we just sit down and take time to ourselves.

Utter Shock of the Death Penalty

I am in utter shock when i read articles about the death penalty. Teens (16 and over) are put on death row. They are then killed when they are only 17 (well most of them). I don't understand. I was reading this article about one guy, 17, who murdered his girlfriend's parents. Yes this is a bad thing. He was put in jail. They interviewed him again at 26, and he realizes what he did was unforgivable. Yet he did state himself, that he is a much changed person 9 years later. Now he is in jail, where he should be.

I still am in shock that other places are allowing to do the death penalty of people who are not even legal adults. In Texas, there was this boy who was 16 and murdered a 75 and 74 year old man and woman. Along with some robberies. The next year, he was killed. He was only 17.

In a way my heart goes out to these teens. They must have been really screwed up, due to their environment, people around them, or just stress. Let me say that I am not condemning that it was okay for these kids to murder people. But they are still young. They are my age and my classmates ages. They could be the ages of your family relatives.

I think they should get rid of the death penalty in all. I would rather have them suffer in jail, thinking day after day what they did, instead of moving away from this world in an easy escape. These kids killed people and they should pay for it by sitting in a jail cell looking at the ceiling. I dont think they deserve to take the easy exit of life. Even with other cases of people older.

Thinking about the two forms of the death penalty: the gas chamber and the lethal injections. Why do we have gas chambers? Remember the Nazis? Anyone? California, at least stopped using this form of death. The last recent person killed by the gas chamber was a german nationalist. I still do not understand this use of Capital Punishment though.

I would assume either of these might lead to a very painful death.

will be continued....

Links of more information:

http://www.fdp.dk/uk/juve-art.htm (this is the 17 year old who murdered girlfriends parents)

http://www.deathpenaltyinfo.org/juvenile-offenders-who-were-death-row#streibstats

http://www.deathpenalty.org/article.php?id=48

The Day burns like a candle

The house is filled with music. Bass off the speakers make the wine glass shake. The beat is echoed throughout the whole house. Bouncing off the walls. Yet I don't care.

I sit in the other room, listening to this music, typing. For some reason my face is hot with anticipation of what might go on next. What will happen. I stand on the edge waiting. Will someone complain about the noise or will I just be perfectly fine.

I spread candles to each of the room. They slowly burn as the day goes by so fast it seems. Everyday seems like this. As fast as a candle goes down its wick. Yet it seems like there is always another day after eachother. Many candles wait in a line to be burned. They wait to be mine and to finally be over with. Their job is just to sit and watch. Sit and Wait. Wait to be the one.

My typing seems to go with the beat. I type along with it. The upbeat fast pace. That just makes me feel like getting up and dancing.

My fingernails match my eyes.. silver with sparkles. It lightens up this place. I feel special and sparkled. Like no one else is. Because every sparkle is different. You can't find one that is exactly the same as another one. Just like me. I am different and special. I show my sparkles everyday.

I come back to thinking about the music within this room. I just want the music to be loud. To drown out everything. So i can feel that i am hundreds of miles away from here. At a party or somewhere else. Somewhere I can feel like a sparkle.

But I am here.

Waiting

Anticipating

On the Edge

Lauren Nicole Blomberg

Life as we know is precious.

We may not seem to feel this, but Life is a gift.

Today Bartram High School in Florida created a memorial walk for the students that passed away while attending school. There have been 13 kids that have passed away since 2000-- Lauren being the first.

Lauren Nicole Blomberg

She was my cousin. Only a Junior in high school. I barely knew her, since that part of my family lives in Florida while I live in California. But that never made me underestimate how much life means.

As I am now 17 and a senior. It shocks me. How one person, so beautiful could have disappeared from this world in just a moment. She was so young.

Even I being around 7, didn't really know her that much. Nor did I get the opportunity that often to go to Florida and spend time with my family there. I remember snippets of the past. I remember going to their house and there was a trampoline. But that is all I remember. A trampoline, and bodies, but I don't remember who were there exactly.

There is also one other image that is stuck in my mind. The day of Lauren's funeral, There was this big picture of her. And then there was the coffin. She lay in the coffin, so peaceful, but too still. Too still for her. Her lips were blue.

Recalling this memory, brings tears to my eyes that I couldn't help to find on that day.

Yet I believe Lauren is always around us. And everyone else who has been lost, lives in a way on this world, as ghosts or are just those people in the stars looking down upon us. Watching us and are always with us.

So, I leave this post how it is. Those who have died, will always be remembered, loved, and never forgotten. I will name this post after Lauren. To the one that I never really got to know, and I miss that fact. But she will always be in my heart.

Life is a precious thing, don't give up on it

Confidence is a virtue

My recent facebook status is: I don't associate with assholes

This is not pointed at one person. I think what i write here should not be taken and twisted in different directions. I write what I feel, and I should not be judged by what I write.

As you can see above is my recent facebook status is not associating with assholes. I am a strong individual. I want to delete all negativity from my life. Well not all, but people who are just acting like assholes. I do not care to be around you. Some people need to realize that they just need to grow up and get a life. Good advice there for some: Mature and Get a Life. Not everyone wants to be stuck in a pool of negativity. At least I don't. Move one. Try something else. Do something else.

I feel I can be confident with myself, without people judging me. Or people can judge, and I have turned that switch in my head to no longer care. I want people to know me, and not judge what I decide to wear, or act. I am who I am. You just have to deal with that.

Confidence is a gift, and can make you a strong person. I believe that I am beautiful, strong, independent and confidence is just part of that. Everyone has confidence within them. It just might buried under some dirt and needs some coercing to get out.

Just know: I don't associate with assholes

Say nothing, be nothing

To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

~Elbert Hubbard~

In this age, everyone is criticized for every little thing. I laugh at this quote, because you cannot say nothing. If you do maybe that means you just are nothing. Because you are not taking control and saying something. As humans, we naturally are talking and being human. Everyone will be criticized at one point of life. You just have to deal. It is not as if someone really cares too make your life miserable. But sometimes it is just their point of view. But that doesn't matter at all.

For me criticize whatever you want, I am going to stay me, and nothing will make you stop me. I am not changing for anyone. People just need to deal, with their own inconsistency, because i am staying here. Your criticisms mean nothing to me.

My advice for you. Stay strong to who you are. Don't change for anyone: Your family, a guy, a girl, friends, relationships. What is important is to stay true to yourself. And don't except anything other than that. Be who you are, without Regrets. You shouldn't regret a thing. Those mistakes or regrets make who you are today. And you are a stronger person today then you were a couple years ago.

Free Will: sneak peak

“The greatest power that a person possesses is the power to choose”

J Martin Kohe

Do we have free will? That is the universal, debatable question. Everyone has a different opinion as to if we have this or if we don’t have this. I don’t believe anyone knows the ultimate and absolute definition of free will and if we have it or not. People create their own definition of free will, which is concocted from everything around them. A myriad of factors influence this personal definition: how a person was taught as a child, their religion, what is going on in the world around them, and how it affects who they are. The only thing I can say is that each person holds a different perspective of what free will means to them. And that is the most important part: to share each other’s opinions on this concept and idea.

Personally, I think some sort of free will element exists within each of us. I think free will basically means that you have the choice to do whatever you want. The only thing that you have to remember is that consequences tie into having free will. Making a choice means you accept the responsibilities that come with it. The effect of the choice – good or bad – falls upon you, the individual that made the choice with free will. The choice you make doesn’t have to be one you make entirely on your own. Often other influences come into play: your family, your friends, something you have read or seen, something in your past and just things that happen in your everyday life. Yet these are only influences on the side; you, the person with free will, generally hold the ultimate power, no matter what others say or do.

Paint Your Life

When I was a little girl, I loved to paint and color. I loved to think of my life like this piece of artwork. The best kind of my artwork was abstract. You can make out whatever you want from this piece in front of you. I loved taking brilliant, blood reds and spraying it across the paper. Maybe I would sprinkle some blues on top. I could then make a little boxes on top of this work. They were little houses one day and creative jungle gyms the next. Art just let me take out spirits from me and put it on the paper.

"The world doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?"

Pablo Picasso

Now I believe that i have this white piece of paper. It has been many colors, and I am trying to restore it back to the beginning.

This single paper inside of me reveals my essence. You can see how colors sprinkle across it. New colors that you would have never thought would have existed, well there they are. Spirals bounce across the page. This is a collage of what is inside me. This is something you cannot just look at me see. But you have to look inside.

I am a free spirit. No one knows my essence, even I do not know where it will take me.

Just remember you can always take new colors and paint your life.

Football and other Balls

As I watch the game that is front of me (Niners of course)

I think....

all you are basically looking at is the guy's butts. You watch these guys in tight pants play football. You can be weird, like me, and be the decider of the guy with the best butt.

In these tight pants, you can see all their leg muscles, and everything in the front and back.

This is the same with baseball. I am just an observer. Watching these guys toss around a ball. What is up with man's obsession with balls?

Yes we know that you are a man, and have balls. Well maybe some guys do need to grow a pair.

Balls of all sorts of shapes and sizes. Most sports involve some sort of 'ball.'

Just pointing out: balls

Punch Buggy, No Punch Backs

PUNCH BUGGY NO PUNCH BACKS

=)

I HAD TO

*SMILES*

Just want

I sit here. I am suppose to be doing my Stats homework because its due tomorrow. But i feel sick. It is all about graphs of something. I havent learned anything in that class.

But now i am sitting here listening to Club Can't Handle me and then songs from Needtobreathe. That is what i need.

My mind travels and i want to be far away from her. From everything. I want to go back to Maui. I want to go back to vacation. It is only the beginning of the school year. It is barely even one week into school. But it feels like more. I feel like i have been at school for a long time. I want to be in a jungle. Trees covered with greenery. I love trees. I really just want to be there.

I want to be in Oregon, or somewhere very treey. I like it there. It is peaceful and away from cars and pollution. It is the true place. I can breathe and listen to myself. without other noises distracting me.

I just want to get away and be free.

I want this year over with and on to new places and things.

Just want to get away

Will they help?

This is what it looks like in my head. Cloudy day

Those days come up sometimes.

You wake up different times of the night, trying to get comfortable. A stuffy nose, and a sore throat.

Then when you finally get to the time that you usually get up, you feel horrible and crappy.

You remember yesterday that you were feeling crappy again, and a little feverish. Your hand starts to get weird when close to cold water.

Now I am sitting here, blogging and watching Gilmore Girls. I feel hot and I feel that this day should just be over with. I want to get better and not miss school. But I do not want to go to school when feeling crappy because feeling crappy at school is worse than feeling crappy at school.

My throat aches, and I try not to use my voice too much, but when I do one can tell that i have got the sickness. Traded through germs from my cousin when we were sipping on a root beer.

Oh germs, how i loathe you. How you make me feel this way

I hate that I must take pills to make me feel better. 7 pills lay in front of me. Too many there are, but supposedly they will make me feel better. My emotional state is in there hands

Will they decide to save me from this sickness?

God

Does God exist?

I find myself not able to quite focus on the subject of God. As I grew up my mother was a Catholic, so for sometime we went to those Sunday church days, holiday church days, and I ended up going to an afterschool child Church group. In most of these, I would be just bored, drawing on whatever I can.

When I was younger, I thought God was really there and out for me. Looking out for me as another parent who i only give wishes to at nighttime. Here are some little askings I tried saying to "God:"

Dear God,

Hey its Christa again, I was wondering if you are there. I tried to talk to you. But i feel like i am just talking to myself. Will you somehow send me some kind of sign. Like a guy. No one likes me. and I just need a sign

Please

The next night:

God,

Are you even there. Listening to me? Maybe im not important enough. I will do anything. Give me a sign if you are there. Can't i just be one of those girls with a boyfriend.

And the next night:

Well,

I guess maybe there isnt even a God. Nothing is happening. I am still the same person that it seems no one likes.

Goodbye

When i was younger, i thought God was there to help you out in different areas of life like for me a boyfriend. But i tried talking to him every night. And no signs. This made me believe that there wasnt a God.

I know this sounds very selfish. But i am just explaining how i thought when i was younger.

I don't know if I technically believe that there is a God out there. I just don't quite know. And what if God isn't even a male.What if God was female? "

What if God was one of us?" - One of Us by Joan Osborne

Grinding

What happened to that easy slow dancing? Just basically hugging? What happened to the sexy salsa?

Now the dance floor is full of people grinding upon each other. Massive bodies freaking upon each other. Guys against the wall and girls, sometimes on hands and knees, grinding their bodies together. These images and movements involve in a private room, not out in a high school.

The moves are not also to blame. The music has something to do with it also. Music is that is "hot" now is mainly rap songs talking about exploiting women, drugs, alcohol, sex. These songs make these dance movements seem okay.

It would seem like now having schools play this music is them allowing kids to basically have sex on the dance floor.

It seems ridiculous

6:39 PM

It is 6:39 PM. Interesting. it seems like today was so long, but not. but boring. but not. Its life. we will all find life.

red. yellow. sun. golden colors shimmer in the sunlight. light bounces from sea to sand. Shiny. Metal. Tooth. So sharp it could just cut you up. To reveal. everything. That you are trying to hide. Metal becomes part of you. Part of you and me. Red. Black. Intense nothingness aches upon me. Black fills up this space. My eyes try to get used to it. Get used to how it was. Before this. Flat. Bumpy. An open road looks up on the soles of my shoes. Brown on Black. No one sees me. Clear. Empty. The wind sweeps past me. past it. past us all. Standing here. and waiting for something. something. Anything to happen. Silver. Mirrors. They echo my vision. Caves echo my words. Yet no one seems to truly listen. Truly see me. I become translucent. Light is allowed to pass. But never details. I am stuck. Within the wormhole of life.

I just don't understand

Sometimes i feel i really do not understand the world and the people that live here.

I'm not talking about anything too specific.

Let me jump to one point:

College:

Why do i have to get perfect grades and have all the extracurricular to get in some good school. In the end don't you get the same education from one college to the next. I doubt there is really some big difference between College A and College B.

Then there is this essay i have to write. For me, i feel the essay writing is pretty simple. I enjoy some parts of it actually. But i do not like how i basically have to brag in the essay on how im so special more than other people. And i have to brag to get into the college i want to get into. It is just one of those things. I dont like those questions like Why should you come to our school? How should i know this? I might not be as good as Jenny or Ben. But I am just me. I sometimes dont even understand myself. I dont even understand the world at times either. How should i write something that brags about myself and how i should get this, this and this. But all i really want is something very simple.

Isnt that true for everyone. You dont actually need anything except for the basic necessities.

Just wondering

a morning sunrise at the volcano

Who is reading these?

do people care to comment at all?

Just wondering that is all

Random thought process

This guy has a weird last name. Klump its like clump which reminds of cookies. Chocolate chip cookies. I used to make a lot of those. Wait i want chocolate now. No i want fruit actually i want some banana chips. Yum banana chips. Monkeys. brown fur. soft. I want a baby monkey. Koala. Gilmore Girls. I love that show. I want the new ipod touch. It has two cameras. My camera is pink. I used to have a pink phone. Then i got a new phone. I can text. I wonder who i should text now? I want my 18th birthday to come soon. Mexico. College applications. A long essay. College seems scary. Oh i love little kids. My cousin is a freshmen. Thats weird. Time moves so fast. Yet so slow. Oh wait the song changed

Photography

Photography is a way I feel that I can express myself. I can take a picture of a moment in time that I find truly amazing and share it with others. I can try to show the world to other people through what I my eyes. When I was in Maui, I went snorkeling a lot and there is this one snorkeling spot where you have to go through this jungle-like area. When I was there I loved to look at the trees that were covered by green leaves. I can take a picture of this place and show it to others. I can show this greenery which gave me the sense of peacefulness and calmness. Through photography you get the chance to capture moments that make you truly feel. This is why I love photography, it is subjective to a point and it shows the moments in life that will always be saved

Creative Writing

Creative Writing is one of my hobbies and one of my passions. It’s a break from the real world and it taps into my mind. No one is judging me and I can just write what I feel. I feel I can write the best when I am in nature. It’s the purity of just me out there looking at nature by myself. I can truly feel everything around me. I can listen to the movements of living things around me. This kind of writing is a let go for me: I am able to share myself and let others read what is on my mind.

The World I Come From

In my family, I have my mom, my dad, and my brother. My brother has been out of the house for awhile since he is 11 years older than I am. My brother went to UC Santa Cruz and then onto UC Davis. Ever since my brother went to a UC, I decided I wanted to be just like him and go to a UC also. My brother, now, is a lawyer and my mom is also a lawyer. For awhile I thought the lawyer path was going to be my path as well, but as I continued to have friends and grow within myself changes to what I wanted to do occurred.

My brother, being a big influence on me as a child, helped me understand what it is to be independent. I grew independent as my brother moved off to college and away from home. This independence helped me try to figure out what I want to do in life. I still have two years to figure out the basic idea of what I want to do. But for now I am testing what will make me happy, first and money later.

My brother has also encouraged me to break free from conformity and try to be my own person. With that in mind, I continued testing what I wanted to be and ideas flew through my mind. I found out that I really like kids and I want to help kids. One of my ideas is to be an elementary teacher. It would be so great if I can change at least one kids life. In my eyes to change someone’s life other than my own would make a big difference in my heart.

My dream is within my career that I will be able to change or give perspective to someone else. My family helped me become a free independent individual person. My family is a big part of my life, I am a very big family person and they mean a lot to me. I am so glad that they are always able to be there for me. My world with them has shaped and helped me become the person I am today.

Senior Year

For what it seems in the first time in my high school education, I feel important. This year i know will be important and special. People, lower than me, are looking up to me as an example. I can do what i want this year and get it done. I feel extremely happy to be a senior and finally get out of this school. I will graduate this school in 10 months. These ten months seem almost grasp-able. Just as graspable as my 18th birthday in December.
I feel like this year I can succeed and complete the year. And also complete the impending college applications to get into the college i want, slowly starting my career in the world. To be an adult and carry the weight on my own shoulders.
I feel confident in the friends that i have. Brianna is finally in a couple of my classes. My best friend and we have free period together as well. I can say this year i feel confident to walk to the halls and the quad. I am me and I can be independent and work it out on my own.

Thinking about the difficulties ahead

As a teenage senior, challenges arise upon the floor in front of me. Not only do i have to worry about people liking me at school and doing well in my senior year, I have to start applying to colleges. I have to write an essay on what makes me more qualified than other people and why i should receive an acceptance to a college. I have to fight for a spot in a school. And i have to decide what i want to be for the rest of my life.

This is a lot to put on a girl. I have to pull my SAT score up higher so i can lower the cost of a college. I have to get higher grades and take more AP classes, so i can seem like i am an overachiever. I have to watch my grades and work harder than before. The academics usually come easy for me though. I don't get C's and i usually only get A's and B's. This is also because of the pressure my parents put on me. They get me tutors before they even tell me. In a way they control so much of my life and sometimes it sucks.

These pressures to get good grades on hanging on one arm and on the other is my social life. Or as one can say my nonexistent. I used to have a good social life when i was with my longterm boyfriend, who just randomly broke up with me because he wants to be a kid again. And i also have my best friend. But at school, i am seen as someone else. People just dont seem to like me. I am quiet around people who dont seem to even give me the chance to speak. For me my highest social life was in my Freshmen and Sophomore year, but friends move on to other people and i just move to be by myself. This is hard on a person, when it feels like i have nothing.

So i have to rely on myself. This is many ways has been negative, but also positive. I have grown as a stronger and more independent woman. I focus on my studies and the ones i believe should really be in my life. In a way right now i feel as adult as possible, i feel i can just skip this last year of high school and just go into the world alone, or almost alone. The experiences I have had, good and bad, have helped me realize i can be the one who can write those college essays and soon.