Me,

The days are easy, but when they turn to nights, it all changes. I feel like I cannot be alone. To be alone even just in my room is scary. What if the rest of my life is just this. At night everything is bad. I end up not really sleepy. My stomach begins to hurt even more than before.
I am scared. Scared of the future. Of college. Where am I going to go? What shall I become? But this is all just talk. Because I know what I want. I want to get into Sonoma State and become a teacher in just 4 years.
It should be that simple. Yet I have to get in first. I have to take classes since I don’t test well. I have to get through the rest of senior year. I have to figure out who are my friends and who aren’t. Because I know that there are some people I can just cross off my list. And others that I thought were my friends, but just aren’t or can’t be in some way.
I try not to think of the future at the moment, I try to make the best of it. But sometimes I think: How Can I when all that I seem to do is crap. Sure academically I am just fine. But other than that, I just don’t know.
Yet these are just internal feelings. I remain confident on the outside. Trying not to show what I really feel. Trying to change how I feel. Trying to persuade myself that I am special. That I can do it. Do anything I dream of.
I just wish the dreams can come to me easier. Simpler. That I can maybe take a shortcut to my destination. To my dreams. Whether that means fast forwarding. Or just being here, with something more. Is there something more?

A step back

The other night there was a Lunar eclipse. A eclipse that has happened on the exact date some 370 years ago. That was three days ago. (December 20, 2010).

I was in Scottsdale, Arizona, for a little vacation away from California. I went on a little hike, where i got to ponder life. It is so amazing how wildlife forms around us. It looks as if someone has planted away the desert, but it is all natural. It is a privilege for us to be able to walk around nature, and just be there. I think more people need to get back to nature. The origins of life.

We can then think about what is around us, and what is happening. We can retrace the steps of others before us. We can feel the prints of animals who took their first steps to their dying breaths. We should appreciate we can take a step back from the stress and just breathe.

Everyone should take a day to turn off their cell phones: their blackberry, their droid, their iphone, whatever phone you might have. Just turn it off and try to go through a day at least without one. You can do it. You did it when you were a child (hopefully). Then we can take a step back from the oh, so popular facebook. Your "friends" on facebook don't need to know everything about what you do. You don't need it. The time you are spending on facebook, can be spent somewhere else.

I think we all need to take a step back. From technology. To just listen and breathe. To think of everything that is happening. We need to appreciate little moments. A hike. A lunar eclipse. We should take joy in the little things.

What i have realized...

For the past almost week, i have been taking a break from most things of my common life. I deactivated my facebook, then reactivated a few days ago, when i realized i no longer existed when its deactivated. My plan is not to go on facebook anymore. Sure its there when i need it, but i dont really need it. Its nice to get away from the drama.

Second, i have been spending more time with family. I have realized my family is more important to me. I have realized that some friends are never meant to be friends. Its a fact of life that hurts me, but we all live through it and get over it. Time will come and give you and me new friends.

Third, it is the time of giving. It deeply hurts me that when i try to give, just because it is the giving season, i am turned down. I am told that they dont want a gift from me. This saddens me, but i realize you can not always be nice to everyone or you can be bitten in the ass.

I hope everyone has a merry Christmas, and a Happy new Year

"So it goes"

I sit here in the library thinking. I just finished an essay on Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five: A Novel-, and next i have to write an essay about Trends in American Environmental History up to the Civil War. Then i think about simple history facts that i dont know. When was the Civil War? What happened? Who fought in it? I feel such like a blonde when i dont know simple facts about different wars. I only know one war which was the Korean war from 1950 to 1953.
Yet i sit here with all this work in front of me. Its all due Friday. I feel like not studying for tests. I already know i am going to college. I already got accepted into one. and i know i am going to get accepted in more. I dont feel like being goody goody and getting all good grades. Sure i get mainly As and Bs. I never get Cs. THis is better than most people. I was in class the other day, and i was like hey can i go to the bathroom. I didnt come back for twenty minutes, and my teacher didnt care. Well i guess that is how it goes.
"So it goes" as Billy Pilgrim says from Slaughterhouse five. What ever happens, happens i guess. But not really. its more about your actions. Your actions can affect anything happening around you. We all have free will to do what you want. It just matters whether you take it in your hands or not.


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Butterflies

Expression. Emotions flow. Kids in the background. Where are their parents? music in the air. How old was Bach when he died? How can they just make rules? Who are they? Why do they assume we must follow them? Do you see what I see? Or are we different. Different perspectives of the world. Isnt that what teachers tell us. We all have different perspectives. Oh white-out. Who ever invented white-out is pure amazingness for saving so much work. So easy. Its past ten o clock. I want my birthday to be here. then i will be 18. Then i will be legal. What is so amazing to be legal? hmm thats weird. Typing. I love silver. They are the color of my fingernails. BUTTERFLIES. Penguins. Boots. Monkeys. Leather. Motorcycle riders. I like watching soccer. more things happen.

Wow if you read all that you are amazing =) I will let you go do something else now!

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