College. A New Chapter

It seems a new chapter in my life has begun. I am away in college. Independent, free and on my own. I am foraging on my own. I have my own room and bathroom and share the kitchen and living room with five other lovely girls. I see my parents every week or so, but other than that I am off and away. I am taking 17 units and on my way to become a teacher in 4 amazing years. It is barely the second week of school and I have piles and piles of reading lining up.
There is reading for my 12 unit class (Libs 101), which apparently I will be reading a book a week for. And a response for each one. In that class I have a seminar about every class period (M, W, F), which means I have to talk in the class or I get an absent. Secondly every Monday I have my EDMS class which is explorations in teaching. This class has a lot of homework too, but soon I will be observing and assisting first or second grade teachers. (This is my dream, so I am pretty excited). Lastly I have my Math 150 (geometry). The first day the teacher was 15 minutes late and told everyone that this class is not supposed to be fun, Luckily no homework so
far, but a quiz every Thursday.

Socially everything has been good. I love hanging out and watching shows with roomies. But I have been pretty busy with homework since I have Monday through Friday classes, unlike everyone else. I miss my writing freedom and my blogging. I miss it. I hope I can do it more soon.
It seems for me that I am focused on getting my credentials, but also partying it up. Because it is freshmen year in college.

clear the air

I came upon something in my youtube subscriptions. It was my ex's father posting something of my ex. A swim meet or something. That just reminded me that my ex's mother was a photographer. I wanted to check her website to see if the pictures of me were still on her main site. I go to the teen section and there i am. Five pictures of myself staring back into that camera. This made me think that i needed to do something. I needed to write an email. Just saying that i hope you all achieve your dreams and just live your life how you want it. I wanted to open up the air. and Free it. I wanted there not to be this bad block between us. I want us to be just neutral. or as neutral as we can be.

Change into the Abyss?

Change is all around us.

It lingers in the air, something new is happening.

It lingers in our minds, hiding, waiting

It lingers in our eyes. We see the new and we see the old. It is all around us

In lingers on the crest of our ears. We hear crackles of new ideas, new places, new inconceivable things

We do not realize how much change happens.

You are just a kid then instantly you are something different something older.

Moving away from home, moving away from all you know into change

Into something that you don't know about. Into the abyss.

Change happens instantly. A flip of a coin.

It is present, then it is gone, a blink of an eye.

Perfection

Perfection

We can not all be perfect

Day to day we all make mistakes

People might get hurt from these mistakes

But it is not our fault

Things just happen

Why cant we just accept that no one is perfect

No one is better than someone else

We all make mistakes

We aren't perfect

We should accept this

They should accept this

If we do not live up to standards

It is not our fault

We can't control your standard

We can barely control ourselves.

We are never Perfect

And never will be

a little high

Shopping
when i buy something new i get a little high
i have something i look pretty in
i have something that people be like "oh she looks good"
clothing is my confident boost.
if someone is like "that dress is hot"
i will wear it again and again
i will wear it out
as long as i have that feeling that i am wanted
that what i wear matters in some way
that i can change for the better what people think of me

Sure this mentality is not good when one is depressed
A year ago, i had this little hobby:
I would buy things on ebay. I would never go past 5 dollars unless it was something important. Or at least if i thought was.
I bought in excess, lots of useless bracelets, necklaces and rings
i even bought a light company once, thinking i was just buying a light
Still i love going into a store and finding that cute little dress that i look amazing in.
Those boots that give my legs a hotter shape
that shirt that makes my cleavage look good
those jeans that make my ass look hotter than usual

Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate

Dark Dark Dark, that is how he likes his chocolate.

Me I like mine light and sweet.

He seems to enjoy the darkest chocolate ice cream

While I like the sweetness of French vanilla

Some mornings he has his coffee as dark as night without a moon, while I have Tea, fresh and hot white tea.

Other mornings, I can persuade him into having a little white chocolate in his coffee. He persuades me to drink some and I persuade him to also drink some.

We sip with joy, looking out at the forest spread out on the right out of our house. I enjoy looking to left, where the valley reaches as far as possible. Whereas he loves to watch the forest. See who is brave enough to enter.

His day includes being locked up in his study, working on the next adventure. First the house, then the barn. He is filled with creative designs, ready to come out onto the world

My day excludes the house. My mind wants to run free in the valleys. Seek danger within the forest. Seek comfort in the tree's branches.

Each step of his is known. He doesn't hesitate. He just does. His plan his made, where and when he wants to go. He is strong with is plan

Me on the other hand. I am more hesitant. I don't know what I am going to do. My plan is not laid out in front of me. I want to be spontaneous, but I am scared where it might take me.

 

The differences seem so vast between us. But they just mix us together better.

New lingers here

Life seems a little new and different

A new smell

A new view

What has happened

Someone has removed the veil

Has showed me that there is something out there for me

I can see everything

A new angle

A new time

Everything seems new, yet familiar

I smell a hint of surprise in the surging winds

A hint of possibility lingers within the leaves

There may be time, for me.

For us, to be just us

A new perspective

A change

It encourages us to continue what we love

Do what we love

And be who we love

Waiting

It seems I am also waiting

Waiting for something to happen    

Writing about this waiting

But why should I wait    

Why should I wait, when everyone else is just doing?

I don't need to wait

This is me    

And I just want to be me

Sure we all have to wait from time to time

Wait in line to get food, groceries, coffee

Wait for the right moment to say our true feeling

Wait until that moment

Sometimes I don't even know what I am waiting for

Why I am even waiting    

What is it worth for me to Wait?

Wait my life out for Waiting

It is Waiting for Godot

He never comes, he is just there.

A blessing

To be pretty is a blessing and a sin.

You have the men who could be your father sizing you up, like you are food that could be eaten.

Then there are just the little too young, thinking how they could toy with you next

Then there are the foreign guys, who think they can just say sweet foreign things in your ear and you will fall head over heels for them.

The French seem to have their way with the somewhat romantic language, along with the Italians.

The Mexican think that they are all that. But really they are like the older men. They are just sizing you up like prey that can be swooped down and taken up.

 

Early or Late

Hunger strikes me

It is late, or early one could say.

It is a towering time.

2:29 AM stalks on the clock

It is early.

The phone goes off every few seconds

A new text

The texts that just keep coming

They keep me up now.

Leaving me typing on the computer

Watching the chit chat of the ladies on Gilmore Girls

My stomach growls innocently    

Asking me when I would get up and feed it.

But I won't    

Because it is too early

Or too late one could say

Control

I am the girl who likes to be in control. I want to be the one who does things that I can control. That might be the reason why I don't drink or smoke like others my age,

I like to plan. I like to know what is happening. But that doesn't mean I don't like to be spontaneous. I would leave here in a second if I had a car. Maybe a little road trip up north or south.

what.

You talk about your wants
but what about mine
it seems that i need to follow your needs
your wants
your whatevers
what about mine
i want this
but do i need to follow your wants
what about my wants
i want it to work
i want us
but that
that.
im not sure, babe
what do you mean
in what way
why are you asking me that?
well you are not asking me, you are telling me
i dont want to be told what to do.
what not to do
what i should do
what i shouldnt do
i dont know.
what is this.
what is life.
why did i get so confused from the other one
why did so much, but so little happen

What confuses me.

Sometimes life just confuses me. I don't know. There seems to be a lot of pressures on me:

1. College
Decision time will be soon. And i just don't know. Should I go to Sonoma State or St. Marys? Should i leave home or stay here. The thing is I have a boyfriend here. And it would be best for our relationship if I stayed here. But if we break up, what if that is something I regretted. What if I changed colleges for a guy? I will be hearing from UCs soon, but that has no effect in my decision making skills. Right now its down to Sonoma, St. Marys, and UOP. But what to chose. What would be best for me?

2. Career
I have sort of made the decision that I want to be an elementary school teacher. But what if it doesn't work out? What if i become a burn out? What if it is not really for me and I was just lying to myself saying I like it? There is so much pressure on me because of this. I am interning for elementary school teacher aides. I put in my major to the schools as elementary education. Those three colleges above are the schools that have the best elementary education programs. But what if that is not right for me?

3. This Whole Social Life thing
Truthfully, I don't really have just friends i hang out with. I am my boyfriend and my family. Once in a while I have one or two friends to hang out with. But thats it. Usually I am just fine about this. But with recent pressures, i need someone to talk to. A girl, preferably. Yes i know i can just go to my bf, or my family, but i need someone else who is there. I want a girl's night out. The movies. Eating ice cream. Just girl talk. You know? Maybe in college. Says my family. Since I will experience so much more and meet so many new and interesting and not interesting people. This is just the major thing for me. I want a girl that i can talk to, hang out with and do all that girly stuff. Humans are formed to crave this kind of thing. Your brain is hotwired to want it. And when you don't have it, usually there is a decrease in confidence, and an increase in your stress levels (The Female Brain)

Paris Through VIdeos

Paris thru Pictures

We arrived in Paris on Monday, seeminglike Sunday never existed. The plane ride seemed a lot shorter than 12 hours, due to all the sleep we all had. Most the people on the plane were French, and spoke French. I don't recall much of what happened on Monday because it all felt like a blur. But it felt as like we have made it to this wonderful city

This is a picture from our balcony overlooking the Paris rooftops.

On Tuesday, we embarked to see the Notre Dame. The streets were busy with people, and children all knowing where they were going. The air smelled of smoke from cigarrettes and freshly made food.

Notre Dame was filled with stained glass windows and pretty pretty statues.

Videos will be compiled shortly with my travels.

On a wall, there was the prettiest painting. I would print it and have it as a picture in my house if i could. Here it is below.

We went back to the apartment hotel for a nap, and then departed again for a walk around and get some food at the local Grocery store. We first went to the Louvre entrance just to see what it looked like. To get there we crossed the river and it seemed to be a bridge with many locks on the side. HEre are just some pictures i took during this time:

more to come later on.

Vive La France!!!

Well hello, everyone!
I am headed off to France next week. I just wanted to give an update on here as well. I am planning on making a video each day when in France and I would love for you to tune in and watch it.

I will be in France starting on Monday of this upcoming week and will be coming home on Sunday.
I will be touring throughout the city, eating delicious foods, and seeing all the sites. I will upload pictures to share my travels with all on blogger. The problems i know i will experience is the French. I can not speak french. I can speak spanish, but i don't know how well that will go down. I got down "merci" and "wee"

Check out my tours through out this glorious place as soon as you can.

Shared

Its nice to feel that happiness, that you thought would never come back to you. But it did come back. And it came back in power.

It seems to let me care less about those around me, and more about this just one person. And that feels great.

And too those who hate, you can just keep hating, because I can be happy and you can't stop me. No matter what you post, or how you glare. I don't care anymore. I am fine with how I am , and just go live your life and stop caring what I am doing

The world seems so full of possibilities. I can just go outside and maybe do anything I want.

Perfect Time

There is a time in between your dreaming phase and when you regain all consciousness.

You are fully happy, and it seems nothing in the world is wrong,

But soon slowly you regain everything, and you remember

You are not fully happy,

You just want to go back to sleep to perfect town

But you cant it's a new day and you just have to get out there like every other day

Still wishing of the perfect time

The E.R.

the white room is pulsating with a rhythmic beating.
i am sitting in a little one person bed.
moniter to the left. pulse reader on my right pointer finger
the pain has listlessly gone away, into hibernation
i sit here typing words that are trying to make sense of what everything is
outside my little curtain, there is a buzz of commotion.
i can hear folders being dropped on counters, doctors and nurses hurrying around like bees in a hive
yet in my little quarter of this place it is peaceful but anxious
The scent of the room is tainted with plastic and this clean, white smell

the last time i was in the hospital was with my grandpa. During one of the last couple days he had. I actually couldnt take seeing him hooked up to the moniters, so i ran outside and cried. It was so sad, to see him so helpless. He wanted to leave, but they couldnt let him out. He was confused. But he still had the same smile. The smile he gave me when he tried to take chocolate from me during the countless halloweens and birthdays and celebrations we had. The day when i ran out of the hospital was the last day i saw him. I wished that i hadnt seen him like that. Distraught and pain-stricked. I wish that i had spent more time with him when i was younger.
But i cant constantly think like that. I know his spirit is still here: either in the stars or just hanging around.

Baby

Baby Christa
I just wanted to show you this little picture i found. ITs Baby Christa. I love it.

Some Pleasure to my ears

This isn't my usual blog, but i just wanted to share what I listen to. I listen to different genres together. But here are some songs i listen to.
Songs on my playlist at the moment:











Check out these Songs Especially The Little Lion Man

It seems to me that we just move each day to get to the next day. We start when we are young in Preschool. Then we slowly move through each grade to achieve the next level. But is that really what is important? After high school, we are supposed to go onto College, then maybe after that go onto Graduate School. Then we have the main career of our lives. Some people may be going to different paths, while others stay on one trail. We then get paid for going through all of that work just to get to a job or some kind of position. We stay in those jobs for a while then we retire and watch our families grow up. It seems that there is a lot of work ahead, full of ups and downs.
I feel that I have already gone through many ups and downs already. The thing making me steady is reading. Reading books that i can get so envolved in, that i become a different person. Jodi Picoult is an author I personally love. At the moment I am reading Nineteen Minutes It is so intensely good. I can pretend I am in a different world.
But them I struggle to get back to reality. Back into these ups and downs

Me

Music fills my head
I assume to place i always am.
Time seems to have already started before me.
I woke up this morning and it was Monday
Yet by the time i come home, it is already Friday
I will not give up
I will try to continue, to strive
Be Content
Be Passionate
Be Me

Song of the Day:

Metamorphosis

The wind is high in my mind

It is taking me away

Kidnapping me, changing me

I am surrounded by this grasping, suffocating voice

I fight, I kick, I scream

I try to change it, get it away from me

It doesn't move, just keeps tugging, pulling me

The sky fluctuates around me: violent purple to black with sparks of stars

It feels like a tornado has come around me.

Beating me, grasping me

I continue trying to crush this grasp

But it doesn't work.

It never works.

Compared to it, I am weak

I become drained of this energy I once had.

 

It moves me to a pond. Glassy water tops it.

It makes me stare out at my reflection

I see myself, glaring.

Showing me what it changed me to.

A red eyed beast. Eyes glowing.

A monstrous victim of their disdain.

 

I have to willingly believe that I am not that.

I have to overcome its power.

I have to fight to show them

I need nothing of them.

I just need me.

How Lucky

We don't realize how lucky we are until something life shattering hits us. Even then, it needs to hit us directly for anyone to even blink and think what it means. At this time the world is so wrapped up in social networking to realize what else is out there. Even this Arizona shooting, I don't think people really thought about it hard. Those people who died will never take another look at this world. They will never even take a simple breath again.

Right now I am reading Nineteen minutesNineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, it talks about a shooting that takes place in a high school. It shows how it affects each person, from the mother of the shooter to the lawyers to the shooter and the victims themselves. It is interesting how one little thing could potentially tick someone off to do something so violent as going on a killing rampage.

 

Mirror, Mirror

When you look at yourself in a mirror, you see yourself. You see who you truly are. You are beautiful.
Yet maybe when you see yourself in a photo taken from a camera. It seems like something has changed. What is different between that mirror and the photo. You look different. There becomes a disconnection between your perspectives and other people's perspectives.
Yet what do they really see? Do they see your true self. Or do they see an illusion of you. Can only you see your true self.

I contemplate this disconnection. I wonder is there some kind of psychological difference.

We, as people, tend to care how we look to ourselves and others constantly. Women are wearing makeup and wearing clothing a little too tight with heels inches taller than they are used to. They chose beauty over comfort, usually. Men also have an issue with this as well. They have to decide what to wear in the day and what scent they want to use to hide their own.

This is always written about, how we perceive ourselves and others. Should we give in to the demand of others around us, and always wear clothing that might not be as comfortable. Or should we take it on ourselves, to try not to think of others when putting on clothing. Only think of ourselves. Think of who we want to become. Who we might want to image. Who we feel like being.

We should change into a world that wears what they feel like wearing not mattering what others think of us. Because at the beginning of the day to the end of they day: We are beautiful. Everyone is Beautiful and they should remember this in their hearts.

A little bit of everything

I want to post something new. Something different that i haven't posted before. But i can't come up with anything to post quite yet.

Last night i had my birthday dinner. I got to spend some time with my brother before hand, then I got to have dinner with all of my family.

This seems so boring, just saying what i did during the day.

What i want to do is help someone. To focus on someone else's life instead of my own. This is why i want to become a teacher. I have the chance to teach little ones.

I feel like i am switching up a lot. I keep changing subjects because i don't know why.

The show i like to watch is 16 and Pregnant. Makes me wonder, what happened if i got pregnant, what would my parents do. I asked my dad what he thought. Then he said you know we support our kids on whatever. Then i think what would happen if i had a kid. It would be kind of precious.

Don't get me wrong or anything, I am not going to go out and get pregnant. This was just a thought. I am going to live up the rest of my teenage years. (Well nothing against the law tho)

KITTY SMILE

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