The E.R.

the white room is pulsating with a rhythmic beating.
i am sitting in a little one person bed.
moniter to the left. pulse reader on my right pointer finger
the pain has listlessly gone away, into hibernation
i sit here typing words that are trying to make sense of what everything is
outside my little curtain, there is a buzz of commotion.
i can hear folders being dropped on counters, doctors and nurses hurrying around like bees in a hive
yet in my little quarter of this place it is peaceful but anxious
The scent of the room is tainted with plastic and this clean, white smell

the last time i was in the hospital was with my grandpa. During one of the last couple days he had. I actually couldnt take seeing him hooked up to the moniters, so i ran outside and cried. It was so sad, to see him so helpless. He wanted to leave, but they couldnt let him out. He was confused. But he still had the same smile. The smile he gave me when he tried to take chocolate from me during the countless halloweens and birthdays and celebrations we had. The day when i ran out of the hospital was the last day i saw him. I wished that i hadnt seen him like that. Distraught and pain-stricked. I wish that i had spent more time with him when i was younger.
But i cant constantly think like that. I know his spirit is still here: either in the stars or just hanging around.

Baby

Baby Christa
I just wanted to show you this little picture i found. ITs Baby Christa. I love it.

Some Pleasure to my ears

This isn't my usual blog, but i just wanted to share what I listen to. I listen to different genres together. But here are some songs i listen to.
Songs on my playlist at the moment:











Check out these Songs Especially The Little Lion Man

It seems to me that we just move each day to get to the next day. We start when we are young in Preschool. Then we slowly move through each grade to achieve the next level. But is that really what is important? After high school, we are supposed to go onto College, then maybe after that go onto Graduate School. Then we have the main career of our lives. Some people may be going to different paths, while others stay on one trail. We then get paid for going through all of that work just to get to a job or some kind of position. We stay in those jobs for a while then we retire and watch our families grow up. It seems that there is a lot of work ahead, full of ups and downs.
I feel that I have already gone through many ups and downs already. The thing making me steady is reading. Reading books that i can get so envolved in, that i become a different person. Jodi Picoult is an author I personally love. At the moment I am reading Nineteen Minutes It is so intensely good. I can pretend I am in a different world.
But them I struggle to get back to reality. Back into these ups and downs

Me

Music fills my head
I assume to place i always am.
Time seems to have already started before me.
I woke up this morning and it was Monday
Yet by the time i come home, it is already Friday
I will not give up
I will try to continue, to strive
Be Content
Be Passionate
Be Me

Song of the Day:

Metamorphosis

The wind is high in my mind

It is taking me away

Kidnapping me, changing me

I am surrounded by this grasping, suffocating voice

I fight, I kick, I scream

I try to change it, get it away from me

It doesn't move, just keeps tugging, pulling me

The sky fluctuates around me: violent purple to black with sparks of stars

It feels like a tornado has come around me.

Beating me, grasping me

I continue trying to crush this grasp

But it doesn't work.

It never works.

Compared to it, I am weak

I become drained of this energy I once had.

 

It moves me to a pond. Glassy water tops it.

It makes me stare out at my reflection

I see myself, glaring.

Showing me what it changed me to.

A red eyed beast. Eyes glowing.

A monstrous victim of their disdain.

 

I have to willingly believe that I am not that.

I have to overcome its power.

I have to fight to show them

I need nothing of them.

I just need me.

How Lucky

We don't realize how lucky we are until something life shattering hits us. Even then, it needs to hit us directly for anyone to even blink and think what it means. At this time the world is so wrapped up in social networking to realize what else is out there. Even this Arizona shooting, I don't think people really thought about it hard. Those people who died will never take another look at this world. They will never even take a simple breath again.

Right now I am reading Nineteen minutesNineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult, it talks about a shooting that takes place in a high school. It shows how it affects each person, from the mother of the shooter to the lawyers to the shooter and the victims themselves. It is interesting how one little thing could potentially tick someone off to do something so violent as going on a killing rampage.

 

Mirror, Mirror

When you look at yourself in a mirror, you see yourself. You see who you truly are. You are beautiful.
Yet maybe when you see yourself in a photo taken from a camera. It seems like something has changed. What is different between that mirror and the photo. You look different. There becomes a disconnection between your perspectives and other people's perspectives.
Yet what do they really see? Do they see your true self. Or do they see an illusion of you. Can only you see your true self.

I contemplate this disconnection. I wonder is there some kind of psychological difference.

We, as people, tend to care how we look to ourselves and others constantly. Women are wearing makeup and wearing clothing a little too tight with heels inches taller than they are used to. They chose beauty over comfort, usually. Men also have an issue with this as well. They have to decide what to wear in the day and what scent they want to use to hide their own.

This is always written about, how we perceive ourselves and others. Should we give in to the demand of others around us, and always wear clothing that might not be as comfortable. Or should we take it on ourselves, to try not to think of others when putting on clothing. Only think of ourselves. Think of who we want to become. Who we might want to image. Who we feel like being.

We should change into a world that wears what they feel like wearing not mattering what others think of us. Because at the beginning of the day to the end of they day: We are beautiful. Everyone is Beautiful and they should remember this in their hearts.

A little bit of everything

I want to post something new. Something different that i haven't posted before. But i can't come up with anything to post quite yet.

Last night i had my birthday dinner. I got to spend some time with my brother before hand, then I got to have dinner with all of my family.

This seems so boring, just saying what i did during the day.

What i want to do is help someone. To focus on someone else's life instead of my own. This is why i want to become a teacher. I have the chance to teach little ones.

I feel like i am switching up a lot. I keep changing subjects because i don't know why.

The show i like to watch is 16 and Pregnant. Makes me wonder, what happened if i got pregnant, what would my parents do. I asked my dad what he thought. Then he said you know we support our kids on whatever. Then i think what would happen if i had a kid. It would be kind of precious.

Don't get me wrong or anything, I am not going to go out and get pregnant. This was just a thought. I am going to live up the rest of my teenage years. (Well nothing against the law tho)

KITTY SMILE

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