Milk Chocolate, Dark Chocolate

Dark Dark Dark, that is how he likes his chocolate.

Me I like mine light and sweet.

He seems to enjoy the darkest chocolate ice cream

While I like the sweetness of French vanilla

Some mornings he has his coffee as dark as night without a moon, while I have Tea, fresh and hot white tea.

Other mornings, I can persuade him into having a little white chocolate in his coffee. He persuades me to drink some and I persuade him to also drink some.

We sip with joy, looking out at the forest spread out on the right out of our house. I enjoy looking to left, where the valley reaches as far as possible. Whereas he loves to watch the forest. See who is brave enough to enter.

His day includes being locked up in his study, working on the next adventure. First the house, then the barn. He is filled with creative designs, ready to come out onto the world

My day excludes the house. My mind wants to run free in the valleys. Seek danger within the forest. Seek comfort in the tree's branches.

Each step of his is known. He doesn't hesitate. He just does. His plan his made, where and when he wants to go. He is strong with is plan

Me on the other hand. I am more hesitant. I don't know what I am going to do. My plan is not laid out in front of me. I want to be spontaneous, but I am scared where it might take me.

 

The differences seem so vast between us. But they just mix us together better.

New lingers here

Life seems a little new and different

A new smell

A new view

What has happened

Someone has removed the veil

Has showed me that there is something out there for me

I can see everything

A new angle

A new time

Everything seems new, yet familiar

I smell a hint of surprise in the surging winds

A hint of possibility lingers within the leaves

There may be time, for me.

For us, to be just us

A new perspective

A change

It encourages us to continue what we love

Do what we love

And be who we love

Waiting

It seems I am also waiting

Waiting for something to happen    

Writing about this waiting

But why should I wait    

Why should I wait, when everyone else is just doing?

I don't need to wait

This is me    

And I just want to be me

Sure we all have to wait from time to time

Wait in line to get food, groceries, coffee

Wait for the right moment to say our true feeling

Wait until that moment

Sometimes I don't even know what I am waiting for

Why I am even waiting    

What is it worth for me to Wait?

Wait my life out for Waiting

It is Waiting for Godot

He never comes, he is just there.

A blessing

To be pretty is a blessing and a sin.

You have the men who could be your father sizing you up, like you are food that could be eaten.

Then there are just the little too young, thinking how they could toy with you next

Then there are the foreign guys, who think they can just say sweet foreign things in your ear and you will fall head over heels for them.

The French seem to have their way with the somewhat romantic language, along with the Italians.

The Mexican think that they are all that. But really they are like the older men. They are just sizing you up like prey that can be swooped down and taken up.

 

Early or Late

Hunger strikes me

It is late, or early one could say.

It is a towering time.

2:29 AM stalks on the clock

It is early.

The phone goes off every few seconds

A new text

The texts that just keep coming

They keep me up now.

Leaving me typing on the computer

Watching the chit chat of the ladies on Gilmore Girls

My stomach growls innocently    

Asking me when I would get up and feed it.

But I won't    

Because it is too early

Or too late one could say

Control

I am the girl who likes to be in control. I want to be the one who does things that I can control. That might be the reason why I don't drink or smoke like others my age,

I like to plan. I like to know what is happening. But that doesn't mean I don't like to be spontaneous. I would leave here in a second if I had a car. Maybe a little road trip up north or south.

what.

You talk about your wants
but what about mine
it seems that i need to follow your needs
your wants
your whatevers
what about mine
i want this
but do i need to follow your wants
what about my wants
i want it to work
i want us
but that
that.
im not sure, babe
what do you mean
in what way
why are you asking me that?
well you are not asking me, you are telling me
i dont want to be told what to do.
what not to do
what i should do
what i shouldnt do
i dont know.
what is this.
what is life.
why did i get so confused from the other one
why did so much, but so little happen

What confuses me.

Sometimes life just confuses me. I don't know. There seems to be a lot of pressures on me:

1. College
Decision time will be soon. And i just don't know. Should I go to Sonoma State or St. Marys? Should i leave home or stay here. The thing is I have a boyfriend here. And it would be best for our relationship if I stayed here. But if we break up, what if that is something I regretted. What if I changed colleges for a guy? I will be hearing from UCs soon, but that has no effect in my decision making skills. Right now its down to Sonoma, St. Marys, and UOP. But what to chose. What would be best for me?

2. Career
I have sort of made the decision that I want to be an elementary school teacher. But what if it doesn't work out? What if i become a burn out? What if it is not really for me and I was just lying to myself saying I like it? There is so much pressure on me because of this. I am interning for elementary school teacher aides. I put in my major to the schools as elementary education. Those three colleges above are the schools that have the best elementary education programs. But what if that is not right for me?

3. This Whole Social Life thing
Truthfully, I don't really have just friends i hang out with. I am my boyfriend and my family. Once in a while I have one or two friends to hang out with. But thats it. Usually I am just fine about this. But with recent pressures, i need someone to talk to. A girl, preferably. Yes i know i can just go to my bf, or my family, but i need someone else who is there. I want a girl's night out. The movies. Eating ice cream. Just girl talk. You know? Maybe in college. Says my family. Since I will experience so much more and meet so many new and interesting and not interesting people. This is just the major thing for me. I want a girl that i can talk to, hang out with and do all that girly stuff. Humans are formed to crave this kind of thing. Your brain is hotwired to want it. And when you don't have it, usually there is a decrease in confidence, and an increase in your stress levels (The Female Brain)